Follow these tips to help you write a caring, thoughtful sympathy message.

1. A good sympathy message recognizes the sadness of loss

The purpose of a sympathy message is to console the person you are sending the card to. You want them to know you care, and that you are sorry for their loss. Say you are writing to a friend who often talked about his grandfather. You might write, I am so sorry for your loss Tom. I know how important your grandfather was in your life and how much you will miss him.

2. A good sympathy message honors the person who died

Losing a loved one hurts. At this time, we look to encouragement from family and friends to help us make it through a tough time. One way you can be encouraging is to write a sympathy message describing what the deceased meant to you. Stop for a moment and think of three words you would use to describe the person. Examples might be: loving, hilarious, caring, motivated, outgoing, quiet, talented, a pioneer, beautiful, and dedicated. Then form these words into a sentence like this: Sally was a dedicated mom, caring teacher and motivated volunteer. I will never forget her beautiful smile and dedication to her students.

3. A good sympathy message comes from the heart

Many people are so afraid of writing sympathy messages, they stiffen every muscle when the pen is in their hand and they are facing a blank card. Try to relax. Think about the person you are writing to or the person that died. Let a thought or memory surface in your mind. Allowing your genuine feelings to surface allows your pen to flow with words that are real and genuine. You might say something like, I didn’t know your friend Jack. But I do know what a role model he was to you in college. My fondest sympathy to you on the loss of your one-of-a-kind friend.
Yes, a good sympathy message can be difficult to write. Everything you write may seem to you to be inadequate, shallow or even empty. Many people destine themselves for failure before even picking up a pen. Rather than thinking, “I don’t know what to say,” stop and give yourself a moment to let your true feelings surface. Focus on the person you are writing to and not on yourself. Imagine yourself as the other person and write something you would like them to say to you. Recognize the sadness of loss, honor the person who died and let your feelings come from your heart. Follow these suggestions and your sympathy message will be appreciated and even cherished by all who receive them.

Choosing sympathy wording for bereavement cards is never a simple matter. You feel like you are “on the spot”. You do your best to make your words sound genuine and sincere, but it is always difficult to put your true feelings into words. However, if you take a little time to plan out your message and follow the tips in this article, you will see soon be able to see remarkable improvements in your sympathy wording.

Personalize Your Sympathy Wording

While you can certainly send preprinted sympathy cards, your message will have more impact and be better appreciated if you take the time to compose it yourself. I am not suggesting that you can only send blank cards with your words exclusively being the only words on the inside. It is perfectly acceptable to send a “standard” store-bought card with a preprinted sentiment on the inside, but be sure to include additional words of your own in addition to your signature. In fact, if you chose carefully, the preprinted words in the card may actually complement your words and serve to make you message stronger.

What to Include in Your Sympathy Wording

One thing you will certainly wish to express is your own sadness and feelings of loss. These words will not be easy to write. It is hard to express our true feelings – and they generally do not translate easily or well into the English language. Be careful not to over-embellish your language here. Flowery or pretentious language will have a tendency to sound insincere or phony in this situation. Keep it simple and write conversationally. Write as if you were speaking and your words will sound natural and sincere.

Most importantly, to show your support, you will also want to include an offer to follow up or help in some way. I will give you a call tomorrow. Maybe we can meet for dinner. Or, I know you’re going to be busy this week. If you need someone to watch the children, just let me know.

A Difficult Job

Most people find it much harder to compose sympathy wording than birthday greetings, anniversary wished or other holiday greeting. Those latter occasions are happy and joyful and consequently, are easier to speak and write about. On the other hand, the passing of a loved one is a very delicate situation. Additionally, the person receiving your greetings is most likely in a delicate and vulnerable state of mind so we must take care in all of our communications with them.

Look for Inspiration

To make the job easier, feel free to search online or look for a suitable book to help compose your sympathy wording. A book that I happen to use is a book titled Words to the Rescue. The phrases in this time-saving book are written so that they can be borrowed and written directly on the card. However, I prefer not to use them “as-is” but to customize them to make them more personal and appropriate for the situation at hand.

So, for example, if I am trying to find exceptional sympathy wording for a friend who has lost their father; I might choose this sentiment from the book to use as a springboard: I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing your grandfather. But from what you told me, I know how much he was loved and will be missed.

Using the basic structure and essence of that phrase, I could rework it: I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing your father. But from the all the stories you told us about your family vacations, I realize what a vibrant and uplifting person he was and how much he will be missed.

Fight Against Sympathy Wording Writer’s Block

Sure, it’s hard to write effective sympathy wording. It’s a touchy subject and it’s easy to write words that sound insincere. But by simply following the tips in this article you can be crafting improved sympathy messages immediately. Also, I recommend that you purchase a resource for inspiration. I recommend Words to the Rescue by Steve Fadie – mostly because I’ve never seen another book like it. For more information on Words to the Rescue, and to find out how you can download some WTTR FREE SAMPLE phrases including sympathy messages–CLICK HERE.

When a friend loses a close loved one, it often feels to us that there is nothing that we can do or say that would be of any help to our friend. While it’s true that anything we do or say will not make the grief go away, a short note or card with well thought out words of condolence can go a long way toward taking the edge off of the traumatic situation. We should not underestimate the value of our friendship during grievous times such as these. Any form of support from us will go a long way toward helping our grieving friend through their personal crisis.

Create Words of Condolence with the Heart but Write Them with the Hand

Although we are living in the computer age, and many – if not most – of our correspondences are typed or printed, this type of document is completely unacceptable for words of condolence. Words of condolence should be created with the heart and written with the hand. To offer maximum sympathy and support our sympathy messages need to be personalized. These words not only need to come from us – they need to be a part of us. Computer-generated documents simply do not convey this concept. Get out your favorite pen when writing words of condolence and save your ink jet for business documents.

Why Do We Write Words of Condolence?

When composing words of condolence, getting started can be the hardest part. To get past this initial hurdle, simply remember the goals of your sympathy messages. Remember you are writing for two reasons: 1) to express how you feel and 2) to offer your support.

Expressing How You Feel

These will be the most difficult words of all to write. While we certainly know how we feel, it is very hard to express these feeling in words. At times like this, the English language feels woefully inadequate. Everything we write seems too shallow or inadequate. That’s okay. Simply write from the heart. Write as you would speak. Resist the urge to use flowery, overly complex language. It almost never sounds genuine. Keep it simple and do your best to express what you are feeling. Let me say that again: keep it simple and do your best.

Make Sure Your Words of Condolence Offer Your Support

Showing your support has nothing to do with what you do or what you say. It is simply the act of being there for that person – being present. And to offer support, your words only have to reflect that fact. I will be in touch later this week. Or, I will call before I stop by next week to see you. Or maybe – if you would like to offer them more control: Feel free to call me any time of day or night if you need to talk.

If You Need Help Writing Words of Condolence

You may still have difficulty when it comes time to actually sit down and pen your words of condolence. If so, there is no shame in getting help. There are online resources that can help. In addition, there are also written resources that can help you find the appropriate words.

One of my favorite written resources is called Words to the Rescue. It’s a book of more than 1000 phrases that can be used to write sentiments on birthday cards, anniversary cards, sympathy messages, florist cards – even emails. I don’t like to take the words directly from the book (although you can). I like to send more personalized messages so I tend to customize the phrases before using them so that they are more suitable for the situation at hand.

Use Written and Online Resources to Construct Your Sympathy Messages

As you face the dauting task of writing sympathy messages, you may find that getting started is the hardest part. That’s only normal. A great way to get past this obstacle is to search online for examples of sympathy messages. Personally, I like to search through books to find ideas for sympathy messages. While I have yet to see a book specifically filled with sympathy messages, there are books of greeting card phrases with chapters dedicated to sympathy messages. Books like this can be hard to find but rest assured, they do exist. Check out the links at the end of this article for specific information on this subject.

Personalize Your Sympathy Messages

Keep in mind that you are sending sympathy messages to show your personal support for the family of the deceased. Your choice of words should reflect this. If your words sound like “off-the-shelf” or “form letter” words, they will be less well-received. The key is to personalize your sympathy messages. Add personal stories, incidents and anecdotes about the deceased. Mention some of their personal traits, qualities or habits. Remember, at times like this, you are expressing feelings that you feel. You are showing support for the family. But, ultimately – it’s all about the deceased. Take care to honor them properly.

Be a Friend – Continue Your Support Long as Long as Necessary

If you are close to the family of the deceased, don’t let your words of condolence be a one-time event. Continue to communicate with them on a regular basis. Use all appropriate channels of communication. They might appreciate an occasional phone call, a visit – or possibly even the occasional email. You can be certain that their grief will linger on long after the funeral is over.

You Can Master Sympathy Messages

Writing sympathy messages can be a difficult and distasteful task. We may feel like avoiding the task altogether but, if we consider ourselves to be a true friend, we will follow through and do the best job we can. As I mentioned earlier, when we are stuck for the proper words, the best thing we can do is to find help in the form of a website or a helpful reference book. A good resource such as this can make our lives so much easier.

For more info, check out these two videos:
(YouTube version) Sympathy Messages or (MetaCafe Version) Sympathy Messages
(YouTube version) Sympathy Messages Samples or (MetaCafe Version) Sympathy Messages Samples

See another blog post on sympathy messages

But even when carefully selecting sympathy messages in a store-bought card, most of us acknowledge that it is a thoughtful gesture to add a short personal note. Why is this so hard to do? And what can we do to make the task easier?

1. Writing sympathy messages – or personal notes in general – is a learnable skill that most people never learned.

Writing effective personal sympathy notes, just like hitting a triple in baseball, comes with practice. First, let yourself relax. Think of the person you are writing to instead of thinking how hard writing is. Let your mind paint a picture of who this person is.

Focus on comforting your family member or friend, and the things you might say to them in person – to show that you care. Then begin writing. Don’t worry about grammar or spelling. Just get the words down on a practice sheet of paper. Then, go back and create your final message.

2. Sympathy messages and the topic of death are hard to talk about

Though death is not a pleasant topic, in recent years we are beginning to accept it for what it is – the natural ending of life. The landmark book On Death and Dying paved the way in our culture to being more open about the topic. Today, end-of-life care or hospice, and the popularity of TV shows like Six Feet Under show we are making progress.

When writing sympathy messages, acknowledge the sadness, loss and the emotional pain that death often brings to the survivors. Don’t allow yourself to fear not “saying the right thing.” If you write from your heart, you can’t go wrong.

3. The art of note writing is not highly practiced in today’s Internet world

The written word will never go out of style. In fact, when you communicate to a loved one with caring sympathy messages, your note will really make an impact. Your friend or loved one needs to hear from you now more than ever before. Just put yourself in their shoes and write the words you would like to hear at a time of loss. Or if you can’t find the “right words” by yourself, perhaps you can find suitable sympathy messages written by professionals such as in the book Words to the Rescue.

People often use the excuse that they didn’t send a card because they didn’t know what to write on it. Don’t let that happen to you. Sit down, focus on the other person, relax, and let words bubble up from your own true feelings. If you do these things, your sympathy messages will be warm, touching and supportive.

For more information, check out these videos:

(YouTube Version) Sympathy Messages or (MetaCafe Version) Sympathy Messages
(YouTube Version) Sympathy Messages Samples or (MetaCafe Version) Sympathy Messages Samples